breathing.

Listening to: Young Jeezy - "My President is Black" from the Recession

Days since last post: 50

One of the biggest issues I was dealing with about writing this blog was that even though I wanted to be open and honest about what was going on in my life, I became reluctant because doing so would possibly disclose discrete information about my clients. I also became VERY busy after my last episode. But I knocked out a ton of work this week, and felt a quick urge to add a second post to this blog, and here it is.

While the abscess receded, and then eventually disappeared, I was spending most of my time between designing and doing my odd jobs in the clubs. Eventually it all came to a head. I didn't feel the money was good enough for me to risk my clients' time, assuming roles that were not parallel with me being a business owner. I also realized the potential it had of confusing my customer base, possibly convincing them that I was employed directly by my clients. At this point, that's a complete "no-no" for me: I'm establishing myself as a full-blooded business owner, self-employed, completely independent. In that sense, for me, there is no gray area.

I was still having fun, though. You mean to tell me there's a rule about not mixing business with pleasure? Yeah right! F' dat. I'm in this to make money and have fun. Not to say that that's all it's about for me. I have a chance to make an impact, to make change. When I'm talking my mom's ear off over the phone, she says nothing while I ramble on and on about how much I'm learning from people who I once thought were untouchable--unknowable--and now they're calling me! asking me my opinion. And I tell her how big Revanew Media can be from seeing how fast it's growing and how well received my work is. Don't get it twisted--a large part of it is me trying to reason to her how it wasn't in vain that I dropped out of college and then left full time employment to take this HUGE risk. I'm determined to prove to her that this was my plan all along, feeling as if I can buy back that time I lost with tangible success.

But I'm wrong. I know I am. Because I'm about to lose my grandfather, someone who was very influential in my perception of how a man should be: classy, worldy, cool, confident. Like Jay-Z said (of course he wasn't the FIRST to say it, but still), "You can pay for school, but you can't buy class." So when my mom's dad had a stroke less than a week after his 90th birthday, I felt like I failed once again, racing this invisible clock trying to show my family back in Chicago that this extended stay down here is worth more than we can collectively imagine. I'm PISSED about it. I lost my father AND my grandmother during this time. The fact that I've been considerably out of touch with grandpa and most of my family really makes me feel pathetic. Before, I was just too embarrassed to discuss my failures with them, and now, I'm too busy to take the time and clue them in on my successes.

Sad thing is, I'm wrong, but I'm not going to stop. I sound like John McCain himself. =\